HOLYFUCK

first, I'd like to apologize for not being on here in damn near forever. I've been busy. but we'll talk about that later.

First:

HOLY SHIT.

My boyfriend, of LESS than 5 months just told me that he would "love to spend the rest of [his] life with [me]".

I'm only fifteen years old for Christ's sake! WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY TO THAT!!!?????

okay. deep breath.

I have no idea what the fucckk I am getting myself into with this boy.

yes, I love him, but will I always? does he really think that we can just marry or something straight out of highschool? what is this shit??

I guess I just need to calm down. I mean, it's not like he proposed or anything.. but damn. This boy is devoted...

Shhhh

10 secrets

because Alex told me to.

1. My greatest fear is ending up alone.

2. I try to act okay with it, but it actually kinda bothers me that my friends dont like my boyfriend. Like, I feel like they're judging me through him or something. I dont know.

3. It annoys the hell out of me when somebody dislikes me for no reason.

4. Every time my *used to be* best friend looks at me, it makes me want to punch her in the face.

5. I am in love with my boyfriend.

6. I don't like admitting number 5, because I've never believed in teen "love" and it always kind of bothered me when kids talked about how they were "in love". but I really think I am.

7. I know I'm supposed to be happy for the band or whatever, but I HATE it when my favorite bands become popular and I have to share them with other people. It just pisses me off because then everybody knows them, and then they become a little less special to me.

8. People who dislike me piss me off. I act nonchalant like "who cares what they think" (I really don't that much, but it still kinda bothers me) but really, why wouldn't you like me? I'm fucking awesome! (yes, this sounds really cocky, and stupid, and narcicistic, but seriously. I can see people not liking me, but going so far as disliking me? I really don't think I'm that unlikeable.)

9. I HATE it when people ignore me. (yeah, I'm needy. whatever.)

10. I don't necessarily like being the center of attention, but I like having some attention. Like I can't just sit back and be under the radar for too long. I can do it some, yeah, I'm not that much of an attention whore, but I love being part of the action. Maybe thats just the drama geek in me.

Merry Christmas, bitches!

It's Christmas Eve!

Merry fucking Christmas everybody!

(and happy any other holidays you may celebrate.)

I love you!

Closer

Cheyenne, Wyoming.

Debate tournament.

We found a quiet corner in the school, behind a door where we tried not to be seen

and made out for about two hours while we waited for our next rounds to start.

In the hotel:

our rooms were right across from each other.

One night all the other people on our team went swimming

and we stayed in my room til curfew.

Yeah, that was a good night.

This boy keeps making me like him more and more.

Addicted

So much for going slow.

I can't believe how much I've started to fall for him.

it is ridiculous that only a few weeks ago I was trying so hard to make him be my friend,

and now...

we keep moving more each day.

______________________________________________________________________

A conversation from tonight:

him: You know, I think I love you.

her: No, you don't.

him: Well, if you say it, it must be true.

What am I doing?

I wish I could make up my mind.

I know for sure that I still have feelings for this guy,

but I also know for almost sure that he doesn't give two fucks about me anymore.

And now, the real problem.

This guy who I've known for two years, who likes me. I mean,

A LOT.

I told him today that I would date him, but just not get too serious.

Yesterday, I would have told him I just want to be friends.

Tomorrow it might be something completely different, but that doesn't matter because he already thinks we're going to.. or are.. dating.

I don't even know.

I just cannot make up my mind about this boy.

All I know is that I don't feel nearly as strongly about him as I did/do/i dont even know anymore about one of his closest friends,

who I met at a party that HE invited me to.

but that turned out to be a disappointment, and now this guy is coming after me,

like crazy,

and I don't even know whether or not I like him like that.

Sometimes I think no, but other times its yes.

But I know for sure that I absolutely LOVE him as a person and a friend.

What the fuck am I doing?

It's not okay

To be cruel.

To people, or animals or any other living thing you can think of.

Stop doing it, douche-bags.

Just fucking stop.